Aladdin Central Messageboard

Myrissa · Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 3:11 am Post subject: Um.... I have a new fan fic that,

doesn't have to do with Aladdin but... I can't put it on FF.net because I don't have a document manager.... So er... Syera critisize all you want.

Wild ARMS 4

The Story Behind The Adlehyde Family

Chapter 1

My Story

Well people this is my first fan fic so please feel pity... I am unexperienced.... No actualy what I need is not pity but a bit of consideration... I think my cousins would be just proud. Oh and Aida has two dots above the i.

Save me from this place... I don't know where I am... I tried to use a portal to go to a place called... Aida... No! It's true... If I'm not in Aida then where am I? Adlehyde castle? Shoot! What happened in the portal was... Something in the time frame... In my time Adlehyde was distroyed. How can I get back? I'm locked in a cell unable to get out...

Just then I woke up in my bed in Aida panting. It was a dream... But how did it take place in Adlehyde? I have- "Your Highness! We're under attack! We must get you out of here!" A mans voice called into my chambers, I got out of bed and started to quickly get dressed. My name? Cassandra Adlehyde, princess of Aida, which was built after Adlehyde was distrayed by the demons over hundreds of years ago. And me? Well I'm the future queen of Aida, and the last living Adlehyde. My mother and father died in a war that has not stoped. Who our enemies are, are the demons. Ever since I have been hunted by the demons... For what I shall not tell you.

"Your Highness?!"
"I'm here Siren!" I called to my knight as he walked into the room to find me in not my usual attire. I was wearing an orange tee-shirt, tight red pants, and brown leather boots. My bright blonde hair up in a pony tail when it's usualy down. I smiled and laughed at the look on his face when he walked in.

Well I think I did rather well for my first time.... I'm actualy getting used to acting out two chars talking to eachother! Yay! Oh okay mesa going to shut up now.... Please R&R! Thanks... Chapter two may take a bit but I will get it up ASAP, alrighty? Be patient. Very Happy

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Syera · Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 8:50 am Post subject:

To be honest with you, your writing style's rather clunky.

"To find me not in my usual attire." Um... I'm sure there's a language out there in which this would be a very proper structure to use, but English ain't one of them. Personally, I'd do it like this:

"I'm here, Siren!" I called to my knight as he walked into my room. I noticed that he seemed surprised at the unusual attire I wore at the moment - an orange tunic, long red leggings, and a pair of hunting boots.

(But don't copy and paste that...)

T-shirts are a type of clothing from modern Earth. I suggest using the word "tunic" instead. Tunics can be pretty t-shirt-shaped.

The word "leggings" is pretty non-generic and gets it across straight away that the pants are tight.

"Hunting boots" in a fantasy setting should call to mind exactly the type of boots you're thinking of. (And given the fantasy-like setting, what else would they be made of besides leather?)

So, my assessment is thus:
-You need to improve your style. I suggest reading a few books by English authors and paying attention to the style in which they write. Gulliver's Travels is good, but probably a bit beyond you right now; I recommend something by Roald Dahl if you can get your hands on it. (J.K. Rowling has a pretty decent style, too - very similar to Dahl. You could try to study that.)

-You need to improve your vocabulary and knowledge of period clothing and things. (I'm guessing you wouldn't know the difference between a falchion and a broadsword.) So, get studying...

http://www.swordsofhonor.com/clothing.html
http://www.by-the-sword.com/new/index.html
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Myrissa · Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 6:32 pm Post subject:

I know my writing style sucks Syera, when doesn't it? Anyway, I think I should know how J.K. Rowling writes I've read all the HP books accept for The Half Blood Prince.
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Syera · Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 7:07 pm Post subject:

My point is, though, you've got to work on improving your style.
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Myrissa · Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 8:39 am Post subject:

*sticks toung out* Not my fault...

(If I seem rude in anyway... I'm mad at myself, and Syera if you want to know wait till you come over to ask...)
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Syera · Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:00 am Post subject:

Umm... that's no excuse to behave like a juvenile online.

Look, let's put it this way: you want to write stories other people want to read, then you improve your style. If not, then you don't try to improve... but don't start crying because nobody wants to read what you've written.
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Myrissa · Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:02 am Post subject:

I wasn't acting like a juvenile online...

How was the grammer?
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Syera · Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:05 am Post subject:

Well, grammar as in the order in which you put your words... I guess the grammar's fine. However, it doesn't make up for the fact that the writing style is still clunky and jerky.
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Myrissa · Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:08 am Post subject:

I was hoping to stop talking about the style now.... -___-;;; I'm sooo tired! I made myself restless last night...
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