Aladdin Central Messageboard

[marianagualano]

Hello, everyone. I'm new here and this is my first post.
I wrote a few chapters of a fanfic, but I don't know if it's got potential. Could you guys give me a hand? It's called "The desert snake is the most poisonous one"

Before I can post it, I must say that I am not an English native speaker and I apologize for my lack of vocabulary and grammar mistakes.

So, the story is set right after ROJ and Jasmine and Aladdin had just gotten married (yes, I did see KOT. But I really wanted to go in another direction).

CHAPTER ONE

Agrabah has always been beautiful, yet at dawn it seemed that the city was more astonishing than ever. The city was still asleep when a certain flying carpet passed though the picturesque background. As the sun rose, a very familiar couple entered the Palace though a top floor window.

"We're back!" screamed Jasmine from upstairs, where Carpet had left her and Aladdin.

Abu, followed by Iago, Genie, Rajah and the Sultan, ran towards her and Aladdin to give them a nice warm hug.

"Did you have a nice trip? Of course you did. Carpet flew you. How could you not? But I mean, did you have a great time? Well, you obviously did, considering it was your honeymoon and all. But what about the places you visited…" As Genie continued to ask and answer his own questions, Jasmine took a sit. "What? What is it?" Genie asked worriedly. "Are you dizzy? Oh! Are you pregnant? No, you couldn't be…"

"She's tired, Genie," Aladdin interrupted. "We both are. We've been traveling for too long. We went everywhere!" He went on to explain. "Poor carpet. I can only imagine what he's up to." Aladdin pondered as they all looked around just to find Carpet so pleased by the maid sewing him that it looked as if someone was giving him a back rub or something.

Abu, who had just lost interest in the conversation, went off to find something to treat his stomach, which had been empty for ten whole minutes." So, what are the two of you up to now?" the Sultan asked.

"I'm going to look for a job as soon as we're settled." Aladdin replied proudly while Jasmine gazed at him with admiring hazel-nut eyes.

"A job?" the Sultan asked almost insulted. "But you're the future Sultan. That's your job."

"Why work when you can do nothing is what I always say!" Iago bragged.

"Sorry, your highness, but I don't really feel good about laying around the Palace doing nothing." Aladdin replied.

"It's not nothing, boy! It's learning the ways of a ruler!" The Sultan was getting upset by that conversation and Iago and Abu didn't seem to understand why Aladdin could possibly want to work.

"We just got back and I don't think we should be talking about this already," Jasmine said trying to change the subject. "Besides, we brought gifts for everybody!"

"Everybody?" Iago asked not as innocently as he wanted it to sound. "As in everybody here?"

"Yes, Iago," Jasmine answered. "We have one for you too. Let's go."

After presenting their friends with lovely gifts from all over the world, Aladdin and Jasmine decided to take a nap before dinner. They headed upstairs where their room awaited. Both just crashed on the bed and immediately closed their eyes in the adorable spoon position they unconsciously formed.

Aladdin woke up a while latter and Jasmine was still asleep. He decided to let her rest a while longer as he admired her lovely face. She always looked so peaceful in her sleep. In the meantime, he kept thinking about what he could do.

A couple of minutes later, you could almost see a "Eureka" sign over his head as he ran out of the room to look for the Sultan.

"Your highness, I've got it!" He exclaimed.

"What's that, son?" The Sultan had a puzzled look on his face.

"I'm going to join the Army!" Aladdin announced proudly.

"By Alah! That's a great ideia!" The Sultan leaped of joy. "No that's suiting for a future Sultan."

They both went off talking and discussing future plans.

***

Somewhere down below.

It had been quite a while since Jafar tried to sell his soul to an ancient spirit in exchange for one last go "upstairs". He had even forgotten all about it.

Jafar was chained to a wall in what looked like a prison surrounded by fire, when he was suddenly sucked and his soul dissolved into air. The former royal vizier suddenly appeared in the middle of a circle of ancient spirits.

"Jafar," one of them called. "Before you face your final destiny, which is to burn in hell for all eternity, you have one last chance to redeem yourself. We are allowing you to come back to life with all your powers for eight full moons. We will be watching closely to see how you will use your powers. Depending on that, we might rethink our bargain for your soul. But all that on one condition: you are not to return to Agrabah nor get close to Aladdin."

"I promise not to touch one hair on that boy's head." He replied.

Thankful, he agreed and walked out in his old human form.

[marianagualano]

Do you guys think I could continue? I have a few more chapters written, but I don't know if people would like this story...

[Syera]

It could be interesting. I do think you need a bit more practice with writing, though. I recommend reading a few published books and seeing if you can absorb some of their style.

[marianagualano]

Thanks! That's what I mean when I say "vocabulary"!

In Portuguese we have one word for scream/shout.

I'm gonna go do that reading! Thanks again!

[Syera]

Ah, you're Portuguese? You speak English very well.

Since you're writing in English, I also recommend reading English books. (American English or UK English, it doesn't really matter.)
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Weblog | SH.net | Ed-sprite by Janette

[Nez]

[dazzeling diamond]

I like it!

I think u have a lot of potential, adn teh storyline is definitely interesting. What Syera said, about vocab etc, I agree, but There is only one way to go, and that is to improve which I know you can do with some practice!
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It actually is an Aladdin fanfic...don't be put off by the banner
Check it out at

www.fanfiction.net/~elementalfour

[queenofhollwood]

Hi, I'm marianagualano. I changed usernames because I can't seem to get the first one working =(

Anyways, thanks a lot for the tips, guys! You were great! And I'm actually Brazilian!
I wrote about 7 chapters in Portuguese, but I've found it quite difficult to translate it to English. It's so much easier the other way around! Anyways, I've already bought a couple of books to get me started!

[VampireNaomi]

I like it. Aladdin's decision to join the army surprised me a little, but I think it's an interesting idea. The bit with Jafar also raised the story's points in my eyes.

You're Brazilian? That's cool! I have a friend in Rio de Janeiro and she also writes fanfiction, though not about Aladdin. Most of her stories are about Jackie Chan Adventures.
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"Now nothing will stand in the way of DOING THE DISHES!"

[Mariposa79]

Girl! Head on over to the Library of Agrabah, A place where we can post our stories with our avid imaginations of the exciting adventures of Aladdin and the gang! Where everyone can read your writing talents! I would love to read more!

just grab a magic carpet and fly on over to text/information and a hop into the Library. Don't forget to join ! Hope to see you there!

I got to stop watching those old school Batman episodes. Jimmy jillickers!